"officially over."

i hung out at his table for a bit while we were waiting for the lecturer to start her post lab and this guy, a mutual friend seated next to him asked us:

"so are you guys official yet?"

i didn't know if he knew that we were already just friends hence, meaning officially over,

or that he knew we were seeing each other but without the status thing and meant officially together.

we both looked at each other, not knowing what to say.

i was at a loss for words because it was never really official for me; i was never really his girlfriend and he was never mine but we both established that what we had was exclusive, only sans formality.

we didn't even know when exactly we got together because it just sorta happened and blossomed.

while we were both okay with how things turned out, the boundaries were still very much unclear and i didn't know when i have overstepped the imaginary line (and vice versa) due to different expectations etc.

naturally, we had our fights; trivial ones and some seriously painful ones that it really threatened what we had but we pushed through :)

everyone taught we made a cute couple.

and seeing how friend's expressions changed when they casually brought up "how's things with him?" followed by an unexpected "we're just friends now :)" was a little heart wrenching.

heart wrenching because, i still don't know if it was the right thing to do,

because they believed and thought we would have lasted longer but i couldn't see it,

and because there was no proper closure.

to say it didn't hurt would be a flat out lie.

pulling back and keeping a good distance always hurts.

it's hard not to call or text him first thing in the morning, last thing at night and knowing that i'll never sleep in his arms again; it's hard.

i'm not his gorgeous girl anymore and slowly, but surely, i'll get used to him not being around as much. all in due time.

going back to the mutual friend in micro, him and i looked at each other for a brief moment before he said: "officially over, that is."

hearing him say it out loud, it didn't hurt anymore.

i guess it was just what i needed - to hear it from him and knowing that we're both coming to terms with it and trying to be friends at that.

that's all the closure i need, even though we have never talked about why (believe it or not) we are what we are now.

i don't think i have ever been this upfront about how i felt before but everyone kinda sorta knows i think?

i dunno if you are reading this but if you are, please know that i'm not expecting any acknowledgement of any sort okay :)

we had our little bubble before and i'm sure we're both glad it happened, despite the circumstances.

i'm okay with the whole thing but doubts are inevitably lingering in my mind.

but that's alright, i'll fall in love again next time.